4 Simple Rules For Grocery Shopping

I do the bulk of the grocery shopping for my family...I don't know why, but it's just always been that way. I don't mind, I'm used to it, I've got it down to a science and it gets me out of doing other stuff around the house that I really can't stand doing. Since I'm typically at the grocery store once a week I've put together a few simple rules to make grocery shopping easier and more enjoyable for myself and other fellow shoppers.

1) The Senior Citizen Rule - Now I like old people, and if I don't have a stress induced heart attack in the next 4 years or get the hell beaten out of me for being a smartass I might actually become one someday. That being said, if you are over the age of 80 you have no business grocery shopping on the weekend. Come on...you're home all week long with nothing to do....please get to the store and do your shopping before I show up on Saturday or Sunday. There's nothing I love more than being caught in the aisle while someone who's been alive since before electricity was invented digs thru their coupon envelope looking for the 10 cents off coupon for Raisin Bran. I also consider myself a decent person, but always feel cheap and used when some shriveled up 4'2" person asks me to life the big heavy can of peas from the top shelf because they can't reach it.

2) Husbands and First Timer Rule. See Rule #1 on what days you are allowed to be in the store. There's nothing worse than someone who has no idea where anything is and has to constantly stop and look for every single item on their list. Also...if you have to use your cell phone to call home more than once to ask your wife a question about the grocery list...you have no right to be in the store. Call her and tell her you're useless and your coming home empty handed because grocery shopping is way too complicated for you!

3) The Family Rule. If you're afraid to shop alone and feel the need to bring someone along that's fine....as long as that person is within 3-5 years of your own age. In other words, a husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend is fine to go shopping with you. Your mother/father...your pushing it and grandparents are automatically disqualified because of Rule #1. Also and this is the worst....no KIDS. I have 2 myself and as much as I enjoy spending time with them, there is no way in HELL I'm bringing them to Jewel with me. Nothing ticks me off more when you are in a crowded grocery store and there's some mother who has all 7 of her kids with her. What in the hell is she thinking!!! She typically has 1 baby in the cart so there's little room for groceries. The other 6 are running around either throwing stuff at each other or getting in everyone's way. Also, and you'll never convince me other wise, those little junior shopping carts are not cute. Parents...do not let you kids push the mini carts around. The kids just go around loading it up with all sorts of crap that the parent isn't going to pay for and also when a 4 year old gets running down the aisle pushing the tiny cart of doom, getting hit in the back of the leg will cause permanent and everlasting damage to your Achilles tendon (I'm speaking from experience on that one).

4) Wait Until You Get Home To Start Eating Rule. I believe it was George Carlin who once said you should always eat before you go grocery shopping, the same does not apply when it comes to going to the liquor store. The point is, you're going to the store to bring food home to eat later. I hate being in the aisle with someone who's treating the place like it's Old Country Buffet. If you can't wait until you get home to start eating those Doritos, grapes and drinking your pop, maybe you need to work on your self control just a little bit

I also have a few other minor things which aren't quite rules, but more of common courtesies:

A) When you run into some long lost friend, get your ass out of the middle of the cereal aisle and go catch up on old times later on.

B) Turn off the damn cell phone until you get back in your car. I've heard most conversations people have when they shop and they're just not that important

C) If you are as wide or almost as wide as the aisle, you've got no business being in a grocery store in the first place. I commend you for making an attempt at some form of exercise, but all you're doing is slowing down the people who aren't imagining themselves eating everything in site!