SlapBet

Mario has lost his voice

2008-05-02T07:53:00.001-05:00

I've been playing the new Mario Kart Wii game that just came out. It's typical Maro Kart. Really great tracks, 16 old ones from other versions of the game and 16 new ones. The inclusion of motorbikes is a really nice addition and I love the quarter and half pipes that are on some of the tracks. Even the included wheel is fun to play with.

Online is very fun to play with too. After playing online XBox games for a while I though I'd miss any form of in-game communication I realize it's actually better without it. It's a racing game so it's not like anyone would have anything useful to say to any of the other players anyhow. You can race up to 12 players online. You can also do Time Trials against ghosts of other players. Trust me there are some really fast people out there.

The only thing about the game that seems to be off is the voices. Mario and a few of the other characters that actually speak seem to sound just like they should. For some reason characters like Bowser and Donkey Kong and a few others sound like there was a contest to send in most mediocre impersonation of these characters and someone whose never heard these characters before would pick the winner to be included in the game.

P.S. I still hate those darn Blue Shells that I keep getting blasted with whenever I wind up in first place

Classic Movie Musical Moment

2008-04-03T10:56:00.002-05:00

In discussing classic movie musical moments with a colleague of mine, I suddenly remembered this. It's no "Singing in the Rain" or "Guys and Dolls", but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

4 Simple Rules For Grocery Shopping

2008-03-23T21:24:00.002-05:00

I do the bulk of the grocery shopping for my family...I don't know why, but it's just always been that way. I don't mind, I'm used to it, I've got it down to a science and it gets me out of doing other stuff around the house that I really can't stand doing. Since I'm typically at the grocery store once a week I've put together a few simple rules to make grocery shopping easier and more enjoyable for myself and other fellow shoppers.

1) The Senior Citizen Rule - Now I like old people, and if I don't have a stress induced heart attack in the next 4 years or get the hell beaten out of me for being a smartass I might actually become one someday. That being said, if you are over the age of 80 you have no business grocery shopping on the weekend. Come on...you're home all week long with nothing to do....please get to the store and do your shopping before I show up on Saturday or Sunday. There's nothing I love more than being caught in the aisle while someone who's been alive since before electricity was invented digs thru their coupon envelope looking for the 10 cents off coupon for Raisin Bran. I also consider myself a decent person, but always feel cheap and used when some shriveled up 4'2" person asks me to life the big heavy can of peas from the top shelf because they can't reach it.

2) Husbands and First Timer Rule. See Rule #1 on what days you are allowed to be in the store. There's nothing worse than someone who has no idea where anything is and has to constantly stop and look for every single item on their list. Also...if you have to use your cell phone to call home more than once to ask your wife a question about the grocery list...you have no right to be in the store. Call her and tell her you're useless and your coming home empty handed because grocery shopping is way too complicated for you!

3) The Family Rule. If you're afraid to shop alone and feel the need to bring someone along that's fine....as long as that person is within 3-5 years of your own age. In other words, a husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend is fine to go shopping with you. Your mother/father...your pushing it and grandparents are automatically disqualified because of Rule #1. Also and this is the worst....no KIDS. I have 2 myself and as much as I enjoy spending time with them, there is no way in HELL I'm bringing them to Jewel with me. Nothing ticks me off more when you are in a crowded grocery store and there's some mother who has all 7 of her kids with her. What in the hell is she thinking!!! She typically has 1 baby in the cart so there's little room for groceries. The other 6 are running around either throwing stuff at each other or getting in everyone's way. Also, and you'll never convince me other wise, those little junior shopping carts are not cute. Parents...do not let you kids push the mini carts around. The kids just go around loading it up with all sorts of crap that the parent isn't going to pay for and also when a 4 year old gets running down the aisle pushing the tiny cart of doom, getting hit in the back of the leg will cause permanent and everlasting damage to your Achilles tendon (I'm speaking from experience on that one).

4) Wait Until You Get Home To Start Eating Rule. I believe it was George Carlin who once said you should always eat before you go grocery shopping, the same does not apply when it comes to going to the liquor store. The point is, you're going to the store to bring food home to eat later. I hate being in the aisle with someone who's treating the place like it's Old Country Buffet. If you can't wait until you get home to start eating those Doritos, grapes and drinking your pop, maybe you need to work on your self control just a little bit

I also have a few other minor things which aren't quite rules, but more of common courtesies:

A) When you run into some long lost friend, get your ass out of the middle of the cereal aisle and go catch up on old times later on.

B) Turn off the damn cell phone until you get back in your car. I've heard most conversations people have when they shop and they're just not that important

C) If you are as wide or almost as wide as the aisle, you've got no business being in a grocery store in the first place. I commend you for making an attempt at some form of exercise, but all you're doing is slowing down the people who aren't imagining themselves eating everything in site!

Rock Band Unplugged

2008-03-12T17:03:00.004-05:00

I've played Rock Band for the XBox. I'm not that good, but I've tried. These guys have a whole new approach. They're playing Rock Band without the XBox. Maybe I should try playing with just the controller and no console! Then maybe I wouldn't suck so much at Rock Band and Rainbow Six...and Call Of Duty...and Halo...and PacMan and...

Why I'll never work at Apple Tech Support!!!

2008-03-10T12:53:00.004-05:00

Probably why I'll never live to be 45 years old either!

Inventors Wanted:

2008-02-29T17:43:00.001-06:00

I'm looking for someone with the technical ability to develop a cell-phone jamming device. The primary function would be to jam and stop any cell phone signal within a 40-50 foot range. Secondary function would be to send an 900 decibel screech thru the phone into the person's ear. Preferably strong enough to render the offending person permanently deaf in that ear. This is optional because I suspect that most people who talk regularly on their cell must already be deaf by the loudness of their voice. I'd guess that approximately 60% - 70% of these people don't actually need the phone because they talk so damn loud anyhow that whoever they are talking to can actually hear them without the phone.

If you are interested in this job please contact me immediately. If you can develop this device in the next 5 minutes I will pay double because there's some jackass across the train from me now who is just begging to to get a dose of the SlapBetter-5000 right now!!!

Nothing like puppets swearing

2008-02-28T07:47:00.001-06:00

This was a show on Fox several years ago, but in their infinite wisdom they cancelled it. I'm sure they needed more time to show crap like Family Guy and American Idol!!!

Proof that no idea is too stupid!!!

2008-02-19T20:29:00.006-06:00

Click Here!!!

I just wish the commercial was in English so I could order a couple.

Burger King Commercial

2008-02-17T20:47:00.001-06:00

I missed this one during the SuperBowl!

I'm not Einstein!!!

2008-02-17T20:23:00.005-06:00

Unfortunately I feel like I need to be every time I go to the grocery store and have to buy toilet paper and/or paper towels. It takes me longer to pick out those two items than it does the everything else I'm shopping for. First I have to figure out if buying 12 double rolls is cheaper than buying 24 single rolls and then there's all the different sizes of the single and double rolls and 1 ply and 2 ply. And now some smart-ass marketing guy invented some new super-duper-triple toilet paper roll that totally adds a whole new layer of complexity to the process. I basically need to have a laptop with Microsoft Excel on it to calculate my best toilet paper/paper towel buying experience. And if I have a coupon I might as well bring a sleeping bag because I'm not leaving that aisle until I know I'm getting the best deal possible!

Say what you want about Tobey McGuire...

2008-02-13T21:29:00.001-06:00

This guy is a much more believable Spider-Man!!!

Super Tuesday!

2008-02-05T16:37:00.000-06:00

I just know the TV coverage for this is going to screw up my watching either One Tree Hill or Biggest Loser: Couples edition.

I knew I liked politics for a reason!!!

If I could just convince them to have elections everytime that American Idol is on I'd be a happy camper.

Bing Bang Boing

2008-02-04T15:40:00.001-06:00

The wonders of YouTube never cease to amaze me. I just found this TV commercial for one of my favorite toys from when I was a little kid.

Giants Win!!!

2008-02-03T22:06:00.003-06:00

It was actually nice to see New York win SuperBowl XLII (that's 42 for all you people that can't read Roman).

Here's the schedule for the rest of the week:

Monday - Randy Moss rips Tom Brady a new one. That guy looked so pissed off the entire game it was genuinely scary.

Tuesday - First TV commercial featuring Eli Manning making fun of Peyton Manning. There will be 3 more by the end of the month. Commercial will be for either Pepsi, MasterCard or Enzyte. Eli will be replacing that creepy smiling Bob guy

Wednesday - Some 80 year old guy that no one remembers from the '72 Dolphins will start flapping his toothless gums about how they are still the best team in NFL history.

Thursday - Bill Belichick will attempt to smile for the first time in his life and his face will actually crack. He also will return that sweatshirt he was wearing to the 14 year old girl he took it from. Maybe that was why he walked off the field before the game was over.

Friday - I'll have a sudden and uncontrollable urge to kill at least one of my co-workers, This has nothing to do with the SuperBowl, it's just a fact of life.

Stealth Cat

2008-01-28T19:36:00.001-06:00

No this is not a cat plant I'm growing. This has suddenly turned into the favorite hiding spot for all three of our cats. We've got cat beds and a carpeted cat jungle gym thing and where do the cats like to sleep...right in the middle of this plant. I can always tell when one of them is hiding in there because I will hear my wife use language that would make a Hell's Angel blush trying to get the cats out of there. It actually looks quite comfortable, I wonder if they make baskets big enough for me?

Wal-Mart is OK in my book

2008-01-19T09:29:00.001-06:00

A few weeks ago Wal-Mart had several new video games available for pre-order. The best part was they had the pricing all wrong. They had Super Smash Bros Brawl for the Nintendo Wii for only $20 and Rainbow Six Vegas 2 for $30. Knowing full well that these were wrong prices I took a chance and pre-ordered both of these items. Within 24 hours I had received an email stating that they had indeed made a pricing mistake and that the order had unfortunately been canceled. Not a biggie, since I was pretty much expecting it, but it was worth a shot. The only weird thing was I received another email shortly after that saying I had canceled the order and not them. I just blew the second email off. Canceled is canceled, it didn't really matter why. Unfortunately there were all sorts of whiny people out in different forums and message boards that were freaking out and complaining that they were pissed off at Wal-Mart and would never ever shop there again because Wal-Mart screwed up and not them and that they didn't cancel the order, the store did!. Jeez get over it!!! You knew the price was wrong in the first place.

Anyhow, this morning I was pleasantly surprised when I opened my email to find a message from Wal-Mart apologizing for the error and that a $10 gift card was on it's way to me for my troubles. If I only knew in advance they were going to send me money for my troubles I would have place several thousand advanced orders for games under some of my many aliases and I would now have hundreds of thousands of dollars available to spend at Wal-Mart. Actually with several thousand dollars I could buy a Wal-Mart!!!

Worst restaurant chain ever

2008-01-04T13:24:00.000-06:00

My vote goes to AppleBee's. For the last two years, friends of ours have given us an AppleBee's gift card for Christmas. Last year when we used the card I ordered a hamburger and my wife had some fancy schmancy salad. When the waitress eventually brought the food, the burger was slightly larger than something from White Castle...mmmm Sliders (Crud..now I have a taste for White Castle and there isn't one anywhere around here) and about 11 french fries. I was hungrier when I was done eating than when I started. My wife's salad was little more than a few pieces of lettuce and some stale chicken. We just kind of chalked it up to either the chef just getting out of prison or maybe they were almost out of food and had to make due until the truck showed up in the morning.

We tried AppleBee's again the other night with this years gift card. I even went to a different AppleBee's just in case the one from last year was always bad. I ordered Chicken Tenders, which according to the picture on the menu had these huge mutant size pieces of chicken. When it arrived I had the equivalent of a Happy Meal at McDonald's. I somewhat jokingly asked the waitress if she ate some of my chicken on the way to the table....she had no sense of humor. My daughter ordered a slab of ribs. When they came they looked like they were some type of processed rib meat concoction. As she started eating them there were all these strange little flat quarter sized pieces of bone scattered in the "meat". My wife ordered some type of sandwich that came on bread that was like cardboard.

When I go to a Burger King or a Wendy's I'm not expecting much. If I even get something close to what I ordered I figured I'm ahead on the deal. Going to a sit down place like CrappleBees's or some other chain, I figure I'm at least entitled to something edible with some decent service. Since I haven't gotten either of those at my last two trips, AppleBee's wins the SlapBet award for word restaurant chain ever.

P.S. Next year I'm giving my friends a gift card to AppleBees's to teach them a lesson

Wind Storms Suck!!!

2007-12-26T15:50:00.001-06:00

A few days before Christmas we had a really bad windstorm (so bad it almost made the Chicago Bears look like a football team...but not quite). The pictures below show a couple of the larger tree branches that were blown down. If anyone wants to loan me their flame thrower, just let me know. I can use all the help I can get in removing these branches.

The two tall vertical tree looking things are some branches that fell straight down and are hooked around that bigger tree in the background. I'm hoping for another windstorm to take care of these.

Last Minute Christmas Shoppers

2007-12-22T13:55:00.001-06:00

I have no problem with people who wait until the last few days before Christmas to get their shopping done. I've been there myself. My question is why do those of us who just need to do regular shopping right now need to be punished by those procrastinators. I believe that all stores should have one or two lines set aside for those of us who aren't doing the Christmas Commando, storm the toy aisle, grab any video game that the store has left because you think your 12 year old nephew is going to really have fun playing Garfield: Lasagne World Tour, type of shopping. You waited until the last minute, fine, you wait in line with every other person who has a list a mile long and will buy anything that the store has left. Me, I should be able to walk right past all of you and check out and be on my way. I still reserve the right to backhand you idiots with the Santa hats though!!!

Little Debbie is a tease

2007-12-19T15:10:00.000-06:00

I had a nice little surprise today. I went over for my usual 3:00 lunch to Walgreens. I typically pick up at least one thing from the snack section where they have all of the Little Debbie snacks. I've been recently bummed out when the .25 cent treats went all the way up to .35 cents, but have been dealing with the extra dime. Today I picked up one of my favorites, a package of Nutty Bars. I didn't even realize the the price had gone all the way up to .50 cents until the cashier was ringing me. It's hard to focus on much at that Walgreens when you stand in line for 20 minutes with a bunch of tourists from Kuala Lumpur buying 3 crappy Chicago T-Shirts for $10 and a crappy plastic Sears Tower shot glass, but I try sometimes. Anyhow...I walked back to work, really getting upset that now Little Debbie is taking even more money for a bunch of artificial preservatives. When I got back to my desk and after finishing my big Chug of chocolate milk and Flaming Hot Fritos (call me a health food nut) I opened my package of Nutty Bars and they saw that they were huge. Little Debbie has not let me down. Now the Nutty Bars are king sized. I can't wait to go back tomorrow and see how big the Oatmeal Creme Pies have gotten!!!

How to get the snow off your driveway for free and you don't even have to lift a finger

2007-12-16T19:00:00.000-06:00

I'm not saying this is going to work for all of you, but it worked for me. Try following my 10 steps below and see what happens:

1) Wait for a lot of snow to fall (sorry all of you in Hawaii, I'm working on the same thing except for Lava if a volcano erupts)

2) Get up in the morning and think about what a total pain it's going to be to shovel all of that snow

3) Go back to bed because you are tired from playing as the bad guys in Call Of Duty 4 until all hours of the morning

4) Lay there thinking it sounds like there is a snow plow in your driveway removing all of the snow

5) Slowly (the slow part is crucial) make your way outside and talk to the plow driver

6) Ask the plow driver why he's plowing my driveway

7) Give the plow driver your address and explain to him that the address he thinks he's at is actually next door

8) Wait for the look on his face when he realizes he's just wasted 10 minutes at the wrong house. This is why going slow is so important. If I hurried outside and explained his mistake to him sooner, he would have left before finishing the job

9) Watch him drive away all pissed off that he can't read an address

10) Enjoy the rest of the day

Santa Hats

2007-12-15T15:25:00.001-06:00

I like Christmas. I like Santa. I even like a few of the people I see when I'm out shopping (just not at Ugly Target), but the next JackAss that I see wearing a Santa Hat when they are out shopping is going to get a Yule Log shoved up their chimney. By chimney I mean ass and by Yule Log I mean Yule Log, whatever a Yule Log is! The only person that should wear a Santa Hat is Santa. I don't see people wearing Columbus Hats around Columbus Day or Martin Luther King Jr. Hats around Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I do see a few people wearing hats around Ground Hog day, but for some reason those people don't bother me.

Sorry Kids, Santa's Not Coming This Year!!!

2007-12-15T15:07:00.001-06:00

At least until he can find another reindeer to pull his sleigh!!!*

* I personally had nothing to do with the demise of the animal. It was this way when I saw it laying on the side of the road. I tried giving it CPR and just got weird looks from passing drivers!!!

What to do with your old video games

2007-12-14T10:19:00.001-06:00

I'm sure you have a stack of games sitting around that will never get played again. I mean come on, are you ever going to play your copy of White Men Can't Jump for your Atari Jaguar (it's true)? Well I have discovered Goozex. Here's how it works. You create your Library by locating all of your old games you don't want any more in their database. Each game is assigned a point value from 100- 1000. You can also go thru and create a Request list of games you are looking for. Now you sit back and wait. When someone wants a game that you have and your copy is next on the list you will receive an email that someone wants your copy of WaterWorld for the Virtual Boy. You just send the game, manual or the whole box if you have it in the mail and you're all set. Once that person receives the game, you receive the assigned # of points in your account. When a game you have requested becomes available and you have earned enough points you will be shipped that game. If you don't have enough points you can buy them to get the game you requested. Selling games is free and buying games only costs a dollar. Other than the $2-$3 to ship a game there are no other fees involved.

If anyone is interest click on the link below to sign up:

Sign me up for Goozex!!!

You'll get 100 points and a free trade to get started with!!!

I Think I'm Gonna Hurl!!!!

2007-12-14T09:48:00.001-06:00

I'm sure most of you know that there are several different types of Target stores. There is your basic Target, Target Greatland (just a bigger version) and then there is Super Target, this one sells groceries. Last night I discovered a new type of Target. I couldn't find what I was looking for at the three Targets near my house so I went to one a little farther away. This is when I discovered............ UGLY Target. Walking thru there was worse than any haunted house I've ever been in. Each turn down a new aisle was worse than the last. Old people, young people, even babies, they were all -50 on a scale of 1 to 10.

Now I'm no George Clooney (at least in looks, I still say a clam can out act him) but I'm no Steve Buscemi either, but this place was like the sideshow at a circus. I figured if I shopped long enough I would either see JoJo the dog faced boy buying a PlayStation3 or a pair of Siamese twins trying to buy a sweater. Even the employees were disturbingly unpleasant to look at. How anbody could stomach anything at the FoodMart at the exit of the store is beyond me. I haven't even thought about food since I went in there.

Now at first I figured it was just the town I was in, but further research proved that there is no Ugly Bed, Bath & Beyond or an Ugly Sports Authority in the same area. It was just isolated to this Target store. It's like it was built over a deserted nuclear land fill. I'm not sure if this is the only Ugly Target or there are others, so be careful when you go shopping. I'd like to warn you to be careful of going to an Ugly Wal-Mart, but if anyone can find one that's not Ugly please let me know!!!